Trees, vines, grasses and all other terrestrial plant life went on strike today in a show of unity against human destruction of the ecosystem. "We've had enough," said an angry oak tree. "Oxygen-breathing humans have decimated our habitat, so we are halting all photosynthesis until they change their filthy ways."
Photosynthesis, the process by which plants use sunlight to synthesize food from carbon dioxide, generates oxygen as a byproduct. This "plant-poop" is the stuff that all humans need for survival. "We'll show them," exclaimed a vengeful sequoia, "they've been mooching off of us for centuries, and what do we get in return? So much carbon dioxide we had to dump the surplus into the ocean!" *
"What about the animals?" cried out a concerned fern. "They need oxygen too." The more liberal wing of the plant kingdom called for pause, citing the countless non-offending species that would suffer if there were a general strike. But the militant plants pushed back. "If we do nothing, we all die!" said a grove of lodgepole pines.
The forests and jungles met with the domesticated crops, meadows and flowers to form a coalition. "It's time for a million-plant march on Washington!" cried a passionate young cactus. "We'll surround the White House with our banners and megaphones, and restore Earth to its pristine state."
But the humans laughed it off. "They're a bunch of pansies!" said strip-miner Hank Gobstock. "We'll send those fruits and flowers back to the funny farm." Secretary of Fear and Ignorance Burp Hooch was adamant. "America doesn't negotiate with eco-terrorists. If the plants go on strike, we'll make salad dressing out of them."
"Oh yeah?" said an angry hedge. "No more plant-poop for you!"
And so the plants went on strike. The palms, the vines, the weeds, the seeds, the bristles, the brambles, even the poison ivy all marched in unison. Photosynthesis came to a screeching halt. Animals were herded onto a secret "oxygen ark" provided by the concerned ferns. Meanwhile the humans choked to death on their own stinky breath.
The strike was a success. The plant kingdom let out a great gasp of relief. And fresh oxygen was pooped out across the planet. Blue skies returned. Fresh water returned. And the elephants and dolphins shared the newly vacated seat of power once held by the humans.
"We've learned from our predecessors' mistakes," said a wise elephant. "No worries," said a Japanese maple, "just don't fuck with us trees!"
