When acres, hectares or even square miles just don't measure up, fear not! There's a new yardstick in town: Connecticut. The roughly rectangular state of 3.5 million is now the official unit of measurement for huge disasters.
"The old measuring system was just too small for today's calamities," explained Secretary of Destruction Hoolie Higgins. "Our super-sized hurricanes and mega-fires can now be more accurately depicted by the "Connecticut". For instance, that huge garbage fire that's consuming the Amazon right now is 8 Connecticuts long by 6 Connecticuts wide."
As global cataclysms grew in size, the Department of Measurement had to adapt its system to keep up with the scale of destruction. Some interim units of measurement included: NFL stadiums, Nascar race tracks, Yellowstone Parks, Manhattans and Rhode Islands.
"But then that giant iceberg calved off of Antarctica," said Secretary Higgins. "We had to upsize our way of grasping the scope of it. Rhode Island just didn't cut the mustard anymore. But Connecticut was the perfect fit. The iceberg covered an expanse of 12.5 Connecticuts."
Of course, it has melted away, and is now only 6 Connecticuts. which means that world sea levels will rise by at least 0.059 Connecticuts by Christmas.
Last week, a toxic waste spill in Indiana forced an evacuation of nearly three Connecticuts. At its height, ISIS controlled a region of the Middle East equal to roughly 16.9 Connecticuts. And a Ted Nugent concert in Kentucky caused dogs to howl and plants to wither in an area encompassing almost half a Connecticut.
"We're not just a state. We're a unit of global misery!" declared proud Connecticut housewife Hadley Hinkle.
And then last night, the GPS system failed. Cell phones went dead. The internet stopped. Power stations shut down. Self-driving cars crashed into each other. People were walking in small circles, peeing their pants, waiting for a reboot that never came. The affected area was too many Connecticuts to measure.
"Our tragedies keep getting bigger," said Misery Secretary Dimple McSnout, "and Connecticut no longer cuts the mustard." Today, the Department of Measurement officially announced its newer, larger unit of measurement: The "Florida".
