Breast-feeding is often the very first food experience for a newborn baby. But for millions of years it has only come in one flavor: standard breast milk. Now, Country Creamery has developed an exciting new breast-feeding experience for your little one. Introducing Boobalicious, a terrific series of mouthwatering flavors, straight from the breast! It’s like a convenience store, and it’s only a nipple away!

“My little Jason loves Mountain Dew!” said nursing mother Jenna Gale. “He’s been sucking it out of me since he was a month old!”

Why wait until they grow teeth? Give your toddler a titillating jumpstart to the junk food lifestyle with fun flavors like cake batter, root beer, Lucky Charms, Dr. Pepper and salted caramel pretzel.

“One boob is chocolate milkshake, the other boob is nacho cheese,” said a young mother of obese twins. “I wish I had six more breasts, it would be like a buffet!”

How does it work? The Boobalicious deluxe nursing kit comes complete with flavor tubes and syringes. Simply inject a dose into one (or both) breasts. Within minutes, Mommy is lactating Clamato, strawberry cheesecake, fried chicken, cotton candy, or butterscotch pudding flavored breast milk. Bacon bits not included.

“I’m spoiling my kids rotten,” said Kendra Samson, “and I don’t even have to go to the grocery store. But I’m getting awfully sore.”

As your toddler matures, Boobalicious also has adult flavors like Bloody Mary, Gin and Tonic, Margarita, and Old Fashioned. “My son is turning 35 tomorrow,” said Stacy Darnelle. “He loves to get plastered while breast-feeding from me.”

And for the workaday breast-feeder, there’s Boobalcious Artisan Coffee. Your kid can now handle the 9 to 5 world with a boobaccino, a decaf boobaccino, or a double espresso boobacino with raspberry drizzle.

“I’m totally wired all day,” said stressed out millennial workaholic Jackson Hasbro. “Hopefully I can suckle some Ambien out of Mommy tonight.”

Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume