Three of the America’s most legendary presidents came out of retirement yesterday. And they’re opening up a can of whoop-ass. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln
made a dramatic return to the present-day. The heroic trio landed dramatically in Times Square, wearing capes and tights, as thousands looked on in astonishment.

“We heard your distress call, America,” said President Washington, “so we came back to knock some heads together and put out some shit fires!”  The super heroes crisscrossed the country, fighting evil and stupid with their awesome super powers.

“Look! A Trump rally!” exclaimed George Washington. The trio swooped into action. As soon as they appeared over the angry flag-waving crowd, the American legends were flipped off, screamed at, and threatened. “Fake presidents!” “Fags!” “Enemies of the people!” and other insults were hurled at them, along with beer cans, chicken bones and bullets. “Activate shields!” commanded Mr. Lincoln, just in the nick of time.

Jefferson looked down at the crowd. He filled his chest with air, and blasted them with a cloud of thought-gas.

A shock wave of intelligence knocked the crowd out of their frenzied stupor. When they awoke, the 1,500 rally goers were instilled with compassion, perspective and a newfound respect for their planet. They cast off their red rally caps and started hugging strangers, apologizing to minorities, and recycling their garbage piles.

But their leader slithered out the back door of the stadium. “You’ll never catch me!” yelled the pear-shaped orange villain. “Your tolerance, wisdom and foresight will bounce right off of me!”

And then Statue of Liberty showed up. “Liberty! Activate the Ray of Remorse!” yelled Washington. Liberty aimed her torch at the skulking fat man and fired a powerful “ray of remorse”. It was a direct hit. Suddenly the cult leader was made fully aware of who he was. All of his hatred and cruelty were instantly turned inwards upon himself.  “Noooooooo!” screamed the deflated narcissist, and he ran away from himself at full speed, forever. The trio of ex-presidents high fived each other.

“We really wanted to stay dead,” chuckled Mr. Lincoln, “but this bullshit was getting out of hand.”   “I couldn’t sit quietly on the nickel anymore,” explained Jefferson. “Make no mistake”, said Washington, “you mess with America, you’re messing with us!” And they climbed back up onto Mount Rushmore, and got some beauty sleep.

 

DON'T WAIT AROUND FOR A CAPED SUPERHERO.
BE ONE YOURSELF.