Climate change. Global warming. Greenhouse Effect. Extinction event. Whatever you want to call it, it’s a massive man-made problem and it’s going to require a massive man-made solution. Here are some quick fixes:
1: GIANT AIR CONDITIONER. ChevronExxonMobil is designing a colossal cooling unit to be installed at the North Pole. “Think of it as your basic home air system, but 100 times the size of Texas,” boasted CEO Clarence Coalsack. “Just switch it on, and in 3 months Earth’ll be nice and chilly again!” The massive appliance will require 50 trainloads of coal per day in order to stay operational.
2: HAAGEN DAZS. The international ice cream titan is donating twenty billion square miles of Peppermint Butter Brickle to help stop global warming. “It’s creamy, delicious and cold,” said Dr. Haagen P. Dazs, President. “Just coat the Earth evenly with our fine product, and we can conquer climate change. Oreo cookie crumbles cost extra.”
3: FART IN A JAR. Methane, the prime ingredient in fart gas, is one of the chief causes of global warming. Simply fart in a jar, then screw the lid on tightly. If everybody farts in a jar, we can sequester over 70 trillion metric tons of methane annually.
4: MOVE EARTH FURTHER OUT FROM THE SUN. Plans are on the drawing board to boost Earth into an orbit where it will receive less sunlight. “Somewhere near the Asteroid Belt would be really cool,” said NASA spokesman Bill Rockman.
5: PERFUME AND BACON BITS. Some experts believe that if we spray enough perfume and bacon bits into the upper atmosphere, we can block out the sun and slow down the greenhouse effect. “This won’t work,” complained expert Teddy Tillman “unless we also scatter lots of tin foil up there too.”
6. DENIAL. If everyone tries this technique, it will provide comfort for roughly 0 to 5 years.
If all of these plans are applied at the same time, we have a 50% chance of survival. So don’t worry. Keep shopping.
And now, this is what’s really happening in the world:
