Modern humans are enjoying their entertainment on an ever-shrinking scale. First there was the movie theatre. Then came the television. Then the computer screen. Then the cell phone.  But now, even a 3 x 5-inch screen in the palm of your hand is becoming cumbersome and out-of-date.

Make way for Toenail Player®! Pack all of your apps, movies, contacts, pornography and worldviews into a powerful mini-screen no bigger than your toenail. In fact, Toenail Player ® is literally implanted directly into your toenail!

“Cell phones are for old people,” said Instagram Influencer Violet Dandelion. “From now on, I get my life from my toenail.”

Smaller is hipper, and tinier is awesomer. And Toenail Player® delivers on both.

But what it lacks in size it makes up for in sound! Toenail Player® comes equipped with the awesome ToenailTotalSurroundMegaSound® speaker system. People will hear what your toenail has to say from 20 blocks away.

And for you texters out there, ToenailPlayer® has a full keyboard that fits onto your toenail with room to spare. “Driving while Toenailing” is now the latest trendy road hazard, with everyone staring at their feet instead of watching the road.

But not everyone is hopping on the toenail wagon. “Americans have abandoned the communal experience of human contact,” said anti-toenail activist Tania Harper, “I will never have my world surgically implanted into my toe!” No worries, Tania. Die-hards like Tania can pay a $100-per month “old fart fee” to keep their cellphones.

And so, millions are tossing their cell phones into the landfill to make way for the toenail craze. But just as one fad takes hold, another one is on the horizon.

Navel Player® just hit the scene. Now you can tweet from your belly button. And next month, get ready for Butthole Player®! “I’ve already reserved my Butthole Player®!” said excited Fox News fan Jenna Bumblesnout. Soon, America will be bending over and getting all of its opinions from its ass.