It could very well be the astronomical discovery of the century. And it could also be the answer to where all our garbage is going... Astronomer Raymond Pinkerton has magnified thousands of photos of Saturn from the Hubble Space Telescope, and finally announced his "earth" shattering discovery: The legendary rings of Saturn are made up of garbage - decades of it - dumped there over the ages by massive convoys of secret garbage ships launched from a hidden base in the South Pacific...
"It's amazing", said the professor, after studying the photos closely. "We used to believe the rings of Saturn were made up of cosmic dust, and pieces of rock. But look here. You can easily make out cigarette butts, old computer mice, empty Red Bull cans... There's even a vintage AMC Gremlin floating out there. And from here on Earth, it looks like some glorious celestial halo."
Consolidated Waste Management (CWM) has adamantly denied all accusations of dumping garbage in space. "That's preposterous. We dump all our trash right here on Earth," said CWM spokesman Chad McKinnon. "There are still millions of square miles of unused land right here at home. At least a hundred years' worth. Don't believe these lunatic eggheads!"
But the truth is seeping out. "Actually, we ran out of places to toss our trash decades ago", said CWM whistleblower Evelyn Hollings. "Every dump, junkyard, and landfill is bursting at the seams. And we've only increased our garbage output. Saturn was our only option."
The remarkable operation known as "Operation Heavenly Trash" was kept secret. But last year, a Saturn-bound garbage rocket failed, and crashed into the U.S. Capital Dome, covering it with moldering orange peels and used diapers. Still, Congress refused to investigate. And it might have remained a stinking mystery. But dedicated Astronomer Raymond Pinkerton is sharing his discovery with the world.
"Over the years the garbage has settled into different rings, based on density." Pinkerton explained. "The junkyard ring is first: mostly engine blocks, fenders, rusted exhaust pipes, old tires. Then you have the computer parts-ring. Millions of bulky monitors, sticky keyboards, obsolete hard drives and floppy discs. This is the fastest growing ring. Beyond that there is the soiled diaper ring, followed by the Starbuck's coffee cup ring, and further out, the fishbone and banana peel ring."
And so, the massive garbage convoys continue to lift our collective crap into the cosmos. But as Saturn's rings overflow, garbagologists here on earth are brainstorming new ways to get rid of our gunk. "Operation Trash-the-Past" is on the drawing board. Time-travel-trash-disposal might be the next hottest trend. "Send it back to the Renaissance", said Trash Tycoon Hank Gagsworth. "Let them figure out what to do with it!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume