Impatient driver Gerald Lipkin was late for work. And then he got stuck at a red light. He muttered some curse words. Nothing. He squeezed the steering wheel. Nothing. He grimaced at the traffic light. Still nothing. Then he closed his eyes and prayed. He prayed really hard for God to turn the light green.

And lo! The light turned green! God had answered Gerald Lipkin’s prayer in a powerful and almighty display of Divine Intervention. Gerald Lipkin was thunderstruck. He skipped work and drove right to the nearest church to report the miracle.

The media picked up the story and it became a breaking news nationwide headline. The “Green Light Miracle” blew up on Twitter and exploded on Facebook. And Gerald became an overnight messiah.

“All it takes is faith,” said a newly evangelized Gerald Lipkin. “If I hadn’t prayed hard enough or deeply enough, that light would have never turned green.”

Tens of thousands of pilgrims descended upon the intersection where “The Green Light Miracle” had occurred. Throngs of devotees camped out in the street, genuflecting at the traffic light, gyrating wildly and speaking in tongues.

“The Green Light Miracle is proof that prayer works,” said Pastor Minion Shufflebuff. Gerald Lipkin was canonized by the Vatican; fast-tracked to sainthood in only 24 hours.  “I am merely a vessel through which His greatness shines,” declared a humble Saint Gerald to his millions of followers, who now wear little green traffic lights around their necks.

A week later, middle-aged stoner Glen Spoor misplaced a smelly sock. He rifled through his laundry pile. Nothing. He pulled his ripe sheets off his bed. Nothing. He looked through his fridge. Still nothing. Then he closed his eyes and prayed really hard for God to find his missing left sock. And lo! The Sock appeared on the musty floor behind his toilet.

Glen’s damp, pungent left sock is now enshrined in a bulletproof glass case at a church in Florida. “The Holy Sock” now attracts thousands of visitors daily, who come to bask in its glory.

 And Glen is now a millionaire with his own product line of dirty left socks.

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume