Every few eons or so, the great cosmic pendulum of the universe swings from one side to the other: from grace, beauty and progress, then back over to lame-ass, shallow and poop-stained. It moves like a vast unseen metronome, balancing excellence and shittiness in a perpetual rhythm that sways back and forth for eternity.

But several years ago, the great cosmic pendulum swung a little too far to the right, and got stuck. It got totally mucked in. Gummed up. Slathered in a gooey, slimy yet sticky, putrescent paste. And no one could get it unstuck.

Work crews toiled night and day to pry the pendulum free and get it swinging again. Draft horses were brought in. Tractors, tow trucks and industrial winches were brought in. But the pendulum held fast. "It's a perverse deviation from the timeless pulse of the universe," said cosmologist Eugene Grobleski, "in fact, some reports show the pendulum sinking even further to the right, even deeper into the toxic mire."

But not everyone was displeased with the cosmic disruption. "Screw the natural order of things!" hollered pendulum-hater Mindy Gawkins. "Pendulums are for pussy-pansies. Perpetual putrid punishment is paradise!"

Efforts to return the universe to normal proved fruitless. Truth, love, justice and karma were marginalized and legislated out of existence. Trillions of dark-dollars were funneled into anti-pendulum causes, with the ultimate goal of doing away with the pendulum altogether. "And once the pendulum is gone, let's get rid of this silly, complicated universe!" said Hogtie Killsmith, CEO of "Sitizens Wiping Away Meaningless Pendulums" (S.W.A.M.P.).

Just as all of creation was about to expire, God came down with a cosmic case of constipation. He guzzled a God-sized gallon of laxative. The universe unclogged, the pendulum dislodged from its foul and feculent rut, and it swung back towards grace.