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ANTI NEWS #31:

SPERM CONVICTED OF MURDER

 

 
 

Reginald Dunning, a sperm, was charged with the murder of his fellow sperm and could possibly face a life sentence. According to the prosecution, Reginald was the ringleader in a stampede that occurred when several million sperm were released towards an unfertilized egg. As the crowd was forced into a narrow tunnel, countless sperm were trampled, beaten and suffocated in the ensuing melee.

Security cameras captured Reginald performing acts of terrible violence. "He showed no regard for other sperms' life", recounted Howard, a sperm who was seriously injured in the riot, and is now in critical condition. "He shoved thousands of us aside just so he could get to that egg by himself."

Other witnesses accused Reginald of "head butting, chewing off tails, and body slamming" everyone in sight. "There's no doubt about it", said the county prosecutor, "this is a sperm that needs to be locked up for good."

Under the new Personhood Amendment, all pre-born people are protected by the same laws as the born. Subsequently, they are also subject to those very same laws. Therefore, if a sperm or single celled embryo commits a crime, he or she must be tried and convicted under the same rules as a born person.

"This is hogwash!" exclaimed Reginald's lawyer, Jackson Figgs. "Trillions of sperm die in bedrooms, showers, and computer chairs every day! My client is being unfairly targeted by a bunch of high minded zealots! I move for a mistrial!"

Reginald is now being held without bail and awaits what could be a lengthy and dramatic show trial. The Christian Right is divided on the issue. "We simply want unborn children to be protected from evil abortion doctors", said Sacred Life Minister Sam Baldworth. "But throwing them in jail? They are young and deserve a second chance." But many support the eye-for-an-eye-sperm-for-a-sperm approach.

And so, the long arm of the law reaches further and further into our past. Legal scholars are pondering the ramifications of issuing in-uetero justice.

Reginald the sperm is considering an insanity plea, in hopes of a reduced sentence. Ironically, his cold blooded rampage won him the egg, and he is now enjoying the fruits of victory. He is now a five week old fetus. As the first sperm to be charged with a crime under the Personhood Amendment, Reginald will be born into prison.

"That's okay" he tweeted from the womb. "I'm already taking three law courses online. I'll lawyer up as soon as they snip the cord. Then I'm off to Wall Street for a life of crime!"

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume

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