(in many states)



As of midnight tonight, the time-honored practice of doorknob-licking will be legal again in many states. Despite the ongoing worldwide pandemic, most Americans will now be allowed to lick as many doorknobs as they want.

“This is a battle-cry for liberty-lovers everywhere,” explained Stan Filthman of the Liberty Lickers League. “If enough people lick doorknobs, the economy will rocket back, and the president will win in a liberty-licking landslide.”

Elevator button-kissing is on the rise too. “I ain’t gonna let some libtard in a lab coat tell me what to do!” shouted patriot Doug Dingflap, as he proudly kissed all 33 elevator buttons in a downtown high-rise.

And despite concerns from nurses and medical experts, bowling ball-sniffing is making a huge comeback. “It’s a God-given freedom,” explained alternative-fact scholar Jessup Flink. “The Founding Fathers were obviously all bowling ball-sniffers. Bible says so.”

In a desperate effort to jumpstart the economy, state leaders have also encouraged dirty coin-swallowing, sweaty stranger-hugging, and medical waste dumpster-diving. Gloves and masks are optional.

“America’s open for business,” proclaimed champion long-distance sneezer Gerald McSpray. “Aerosolized droplets are the glue that holds our great country together!”

But as the virus continues to threaten stock portfolios, numerous states are outlawing non-essential procedures, like democracy and abortion.

  Anti News ¬©2020 Chris Hume¬†