Today, the White House proudly announced an official cure for Covid-19. Again.

DeathBlossom®, the president’s son-in-law’s company, is releasing the easy-to-use, family-friendly flamethrower. Just one squeeze of the trigger, and you can destroy the pandemic that’s been ravaging the American economy.

 “If every American had a flamethrower, the economy would 'roar' back within a week,” declared DeathBlossom® CEO Jared Kushner.

The stock market was “fired up” to new heights this morning on the announcement of the official, approved, certified, bona fide cure.

The DeathBlossom® Flamethrower is also a great cure for books. “Just toss a pile of books into a room, or a parking lot, and spray them with fire for 20 seconds and you're cured,” explained Education Secretary Betsy DeVos.

But how do you wipe out the virus without torching the grandparents, or the furniture? “Simple,” said White House expert Daisy McMuffin, “just aim carefully.”

The White House also encourages “dressing safe and smart” before using your DeathBlossom® flamethrower. Recommended garments include: American flag thong, camouflage goggles, and red MAGA cap.

But some Americans might be a little squeamish about using a flamethrower. Not to worry! DeathBlossom® also offers the AR-15 assault rifle. “A fully loaded AR-15 will clear an entire room of Covid-19 in seconds!” boasted Weapons Secretary Jimbob Thugworth. And for only $799.95 extra, you can attach a silencer. “That way you can sneak up on the virus and shoot it in the back.”

Flamethrower, AR-15, flag-thong and accessories are available now on death-blossom-cure.com! Order now and receive a free bucket of deep-fried pork snouts.

  Anti News ©2020 Chris Hume