The U.S.S. Drizzled Caramacchiato, the largest supertanker in the Starbucks fleet, struck a reef in the Caribbean, broke in half, and sank. An estimated 120 million gallons of sweetened coffee-like substance have spilled into the sea, in what could be the greatest maritime catastrophe on record.
The brownish plume can be seen from space. Cleanup ships equipped with massive booms are rushing to the site in hopes of preventing the spill from spreading even further. As of now, almost 30 square miles of ocean are now caramel butterscotch frappucino with an extra shot of mocha and whipped cream.
"This was coming!" said activist Spencer Monkton. "We have to rise up and protect our planet from the evils of Big Coffee!" Protesters planned a march on several Starbucks stores in major cities. But free drink cards were handed out, and everyone went home, satisfied. "It's a terrible accident, and we deeply regret the mess", said Starbucks spokesman Wink Barglestein. "But at least it's rich and satisfying, and it'll leave you wanting more."
Volunteer crews have traveled to the disaster site to lick off café latte stained rocks and slurp coffee soaked seabirds. "This one tastes like hazelnut, bro!" said Steve Luber, a 19 year old volunteer. "I just hold the pelican over my mouth, and squeeze. All that's missing is the shaved chocolate. This would be like $4.75 plus tax back at home."
But the scope of the damage is only beginning to reveal itself. The massive coffee plume is working its way into the food chain, turning plankton into jittery caffeine addicts. Halibut and catfish are showing up in the nets, all fidgety and irritable, craving another double tall venti triple espresso with a shot of frangelico. The effects of the spill are even showing up in humans. "Tuna shouldn't taste like iced mocha with peppermint", said Barbara, a frustrated diner, even though she ordered three more helpings and an extra to go.
The disaster, now known as Frappugeddon even has Washington in an uproar. "We need to make America free of Foreign Coffee!" said Sen. Pug Defton (R) KS. As the world's supply of sugary brownish pleasure drink runs out, experts are looking to newer and more desperate ways to satisfy America's coffee crave. The last deposits of coffee-like product are trapped far underground. By injecting enormous amounts of pressurized sewage into the earth, experts believe we will be able to tap these last remaining coffee-pockets, and release them to the surface. The process, known as 'frapping', will save America's economy. Critics of frapping say that injecting massive amounts of shit into the ground could taint the water table. Starbucks executive Ned LeDouche snickered. "Who needs water when you've got coffee for the next hundred years?"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume