The presidential transition: a time-honored, peaceful transfer of power. This centuries-old tradition sends a vital signal to the rest of the world that American democracy is intact, and civilization will continue without violent upheaval.

And then came 2020…

“We’re taking no risks,” said a transition official. “We don’t know what we’re going to find in there. So next week we’re tenting and fumigating the White House.”

Fumigation can take several days. If successful, it will completely rid a house of pests and vermin. But this is no ordinary fumigation. As an extra measure, hazmat teams were sent into the hot zone to examine the structure before pitching up the giant tent. And what they found was a premeditated hot mess.

“Sweet baby Jesus,” cried a bubble-helmeted worker, "there’s a house warming gift in every room!” The transition team found turds in the drawers, boogers in the beds, pubes in the pantry, and skid marks on the carpet. Flies and cockroaches were having a field day.

"This may prove to be the filthiest transition in history," said a stunned fumigator. “They plugged the plumbing, they greased the stairs, they fart-gassed the fridge, and they put a dead raccoon in the chandelier. There was even a tripwire beneath it, so the incoming president would get bonked on the head with the rotting carcass.”

Transition officials described the White House as a “horrific hedonistic hoarder’s hellhole”. Corridors were lined to the ceiling with pizza boxes, milkshake cups, burger cartons and French-fry wrappers, many with moldering, half-eaten contents. The Oval Office was barely navigable, piled high with soiled adult diapers, snotty Kleenex wads and glops of chunky pinkish beige paste. “It looks like the entire cabinet blew chunks before departing,” said a disturbed observer.

The official transition might be delayed due to the magnitude of the cleanup operation. The Lincoln Bedroom was waist-deep in Dorrito bags and used toilet paper, and the Situation Room was festooned with chewed bubble gum. And all of it was evenly spritzed with weaponized Covid droplets.

“This will be the mother of all fumigations,” said a stunned toxicologist. “It’ll take months to mop up this president’s legacy.”

Anti News ©2021 Chris Hume