Your smartphone isn’t the only thing that can arm-wrestle your brain to the floor. Chances are, you’ve got plenty of other smart devices sitting around your life that can easily outsmart you. Here’s a list of the seemingly innocent objects that are quietly conspiring to throw you out of your house, steal your car, and leave you bankrupt and naked on the street corner:

SMART SHOES: They’ll walk you where it’s most profitable. Your SmartShoes contain algorithms to your consumer and recreational patterns. You will be “jogged” and “shopped” daily, according to your level of sickness, so you’re not quite fit, but you're not quite dead. Walk smart!

SMART COFFEE: This coffee drinks itself for you. One sip, and billions of micro-AI robots will circulate throughout your system, and examine your deepest perversions. Your secrets will be sent wirelessly to our databanks, so we can monitor you for your own security. Smartaccino!

SMART BLENDER: Just toss anything into your SmartBlender, and it will pulverize it into a uniform tasteless beige paste, festooned with SmartBugs that will make you more obedient and loyal. Now that’s smoothie smart!

SMART TOILET: It not only wipes your ass, it even craps for you. SmartToilet converts your waste into food, so you can eat it again. And again. And again. And it convinces your brain that it’s yummy and nutritious. Eat smart!

SMART DEODORANT: Smear your armpits daily, and you won’t just smell fresh; you’ll marry, reproduce and die exactly when we decide. Fresh smart!

SMART PILLOW: It knows when you’re asleep. Smart pillow can read your thoughts, and decrypt all your passwords while you snore the night away. It will then sell your identity to a village in Romania where everyone drives Bentleys and guzzles caviar. Smart dreams!

And of course, there’s SMARTY PANTS. They don’t just cover your legs. They pay your bills. Manage your feelings. Massage your ego. And mop the floor. With your brain.

So relax. Vegetate. Chill. Melt. Zone out. We’re smart, so you don’t have to be.