He’s out there again. Homeless Hank. That filthy bearded wretch on the street corner. Piles of rotting food wrappers surround him. His shopping carts are stuffed with moldering urine-soaked clothes and broken spider-webbed computer parts. Every day he blights the street corner, and every day the hard working, tax-paying citizens get angrier.

Everything’s going just as planned.

Homeless Hank is no ordinary homeless guy. He’s actually Winthorpe Tweedsdale III, a billionaire fossil fuel-heir and male supermodel. And being homeless isn’t just his role-play fetish. It’s a massive stealth fundraising operation for the Republican Party.

Winthorpe wallows in filth for twelve hours a day, pissing off the locals. Then he sneaks away at sundown (leaving his trash pile) and goes home to his palatial Bel-Air estate, where he soaks in a warm scented bath (pink Italian marble tub), and dines on hippo steaks (flown in fresh from Zambia).

Then he hops on his computer, and blogs about how Democrat politicians are letting homeless scum take over the country, street by street. He highlights himself as a particularly fetid example, then sits back and watches the money pour in from angry white Americans from all fifty states.

At midnight, he curls up in his king-sized bed with his botoxed trophy wife, and slumbers like a baby. Then he wakes up, grabs a coffee, rolls around in kitty litter and damp newspapers, puts on his fake beard and returns to his street corner.

“Homeless Hank is what’s wrong with this country!” complained average bro Braxton Phippen. “He just sits out there, stinking up the town, begging for Democrat handouts.” Braxton wrote a $200 check to “Cleanse the Homeland” a PAC that helps elect pig-snouted patriots to Congress.

And so, Winthorpe Tweedsdale III spends his days living in defiant squalor. He is now hiring out hundreds of “Homeless Hanks”, starting at 40K a year, with benefits. There might be one on your street corner, fouling the air and fundraising for fascism.

Anti News ©2022 Chris Hume