Is inflation crushing your dreams? Are rising prices cramping your lifestyle? Get ready for a whole new world of belt-tightening. Welcome to the golden age of shrinkflation. By the time you finish your morning coffee, it will have gone up $1 per cup… and the cup will have shrunk by 25%.

“Shrinkflation is price-increase combined with size and quality decrease”, explained shit expert Dr. Tiny Largeman, “Think of it as inflation with moldy whipped cream and a rotten cherry on top”.

A 20 oz. bag of chips used to cost $1.75. Now a 2 oz. bag of chips costs $3.99 (plus tax and fees).

An oil change used to cost $45. Now an oil change costs $119.99. And you get to do it yourself.

A liposuction procedure used to be 5 pounds of fat sucked out for $3000. Now it’s one pound of fat sucked out for $10,000.

“I can’t afford to eat and shrink at the same time," complained Janice Wimpworth. Janice must have her belly fat stuffed back into her, due to unpaid liposuction bills.

But life is much rosier for those on the other side of the shrinkflation gap. “Jacking up prices on basic needs is fun and lucrative,” boasted captain of industry Chauncy Grabhold, “but if we also water down that gallon of gas, fill up that milk carton only halfway, shrink the length of that hot dog by an inch, and then double the price nationwide, it’s jackpot city on steroids for us!” Chauncy Grabhold is buying his wife and 10 kids a 200-foot yacht, a television network and a vineyard in Italy. For each of them.

So get used to Shrinkflation. Pay more for less. And like it.

“What? $12.99 for a single brown M&M?” cried a despondent 8-year-old Kevin, “I’ll just wait for them to go on sale.” Sorry Kevin. That IS the price of a single brown M&M on sale.

Anti News ©2022 Chris Hume