El Capitan. Big Sur. Mojave. High Sierra. Catalina. Monterey. These are some of the world’s most beautiful places. But more importantly, they are the names of the ever-improving Mac Operating System. “We equate ourselves with the best of the best,” said Apple executive Clarence Cheeseman. Over the years, Apple kept upgrading itself with glamorous new power-names like “Machu Picchu”, “Gibraltar”, “Yellowstone”, “Rushmore”, “Niagara”, “Everest” and dozens more. And then one day, Apple simply ran out of fabulous places with which to glorify itself.

I guess we over-upgraded,” said a morose and sulky Cheeseman, “so, we’ll have to downgrade.”

On Monday, Apple will be rolling out “Foul Dumpster”, its newest and coolest operating system. The computer starts up with an angelic chime, featuring a desktop image of a festering garbage-filled dumpster, overflowing with greasy banana peels and moldering burger wrappers.

“Foul Dumpster is the awesomest and sexiest operating system ever”, bragged Mr. Cheeseman.

But what good is an upgrade if it isn’t obsolete within a month?

Introducing “Burning Junkyard”, the next-level upgrade that will feature a sweeping vista of a burning junkyard for its desktop image. “I upgraded to ‘Burning Junkyard’ last week,” said gamer Hal Glink, “and now my computer smells like a mountain of Hummers engulfed in flames!”

But no sooner had “Burning Junkyard” taken over when Apple unveiled its “Syringe Alley” operating system. “Who needs some boring snow capped mountain when your desktop can be a dark damp alley strewn with syringes?” boasted Mr. Cheeseman.

“Rotten Cabbage” will be released in early summer, followed by "Used Condom", "Hairy Nostril", and “Poopy Diapers” which will be out in time for Christmas. Poopy Diapers O.S. promises to blow the competition away.

But what will be the benefits of the “Poopy Diapers” operating system? “Nothing,” smiled Mr. Cheeseman. "It's the same as Rotten Cabbage and Used Condom,  just  less effective and more expensive.”

Anti News ©2022 Chris Hume