The Russian military celebrated a decisive victory as it flattened a vast, already flattened wasteland. "It may be a charred ash-choked hellscape," said a Russian army commander, "But at least it's our charred, ash-choked hellscape!"

The Russian flag was firmly planted in a pile of rib cages, where it flapped gloriously in the gun powdery breeze. Russian soldiers high-fived and chest-bumped each other in a bombed-out crater full of bombed out craters.

"Today we have conquered this smoldering parking lot that was once a city!" said a proud President Putin. "We completely destroyed everything, down to the last blade of grass. And then we destroyed the destruction."

Food, water and toilet paper had to be flown in to supply the conquering army, due to the complete lack of markets, stores, water lines, gas lines, sewers and everything else. "There's nothing left to eat, and no one left to murder,” said a bored, disgruntled Russian soldier. Many troops are now suffering from Post Pillage Depression.

In a gesture of goodwill, Putin is welcoming back the 3 million or so refugees who had been driven out by the invading hordes. Upon return, everyone will receive a free crater, complete with a pile of blood-stained rebar and a burned-out car frame.

But there were no takers. In the absence of humans, a flock of vultures was given Russian citizenship. But they flew away, because there weren't even any dead things left to eat in the blasted-out, scorched shell of a former shell upon which Russia was doing a touchdown dance.

"It's just a whole lot of nothing," explained a Russian general. "but we probably need to flatten it a little more, just in case."

And what exactly does Russia plan to do with this vast, newly acquired expanse of burned-out rubble? "Nothing," said Putin. "We'll just rent it out as a Hollywood shooting location for Michael Bay movies."