Matilda Sweeney, a 7-year-old girl from Pleasanton, Connecticut, took the world by surprise yesterday when she single-handedly invaded mighty Russia and brought the Kremlin to its knees.

But she couldn’t have done it without a little help from a certain V. Putin. In his desperate bid to dominate and crush Ukraine, the Russian leader had invested his entire military into that one region, leaving his glorious superpower belly up, wide open and exposed to the whole world.

So, little Matilda got on her pink tricycle with the glittery handlebars and silver tassels, and pedaled across the Russian frontier.

There was no resistance. As Matilda rang her little tricycle-bell and smiled, town after town after town fell with sweet surrender, welcoming her with flowers and candy. Moscow was dead ahead, in her crosshairs.

Mother Russia was caught off guard by this brazen breach of its borders. Its vast army was busy in another country, pounding, pulverizing, pummeling and pillaging. Thus, there were no tanks or battalions left to stop precious little Matilda from penetrating the Russian heartland. But Putin was unfazed. “She’s just little girl”, smirked the confident autocrat, “She’s no match for mighty Russian Bear!”

Matilda parked her trike outside the Kremlin walls, and skipped into the courtyard. Putin was waiting for her, wringing his hands and baring his teeth. Matilda looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. Putin looked around for his bodyguards, only to realize he had sent them all to Ukraine along with the rest of the army. His face paled. His bladder voided. Matilda grinned. “It’s just not working out,”she said, “we’re going to have to let you go.”

And so, Matilda triumphed where Napoleon and Hitler had failed: she sent the Russian leader packing, cardboard box in his hands, tail between his legs. She sat down at Putin’s former desk, brought the soldiers home and ended the war.

“Okay my work here is done”, giggled Matilda. Then she got on her tricycle and pedaled off to North Korea.

Anti News ©2022 Chris Hume