The best things in life are free: A tall glass of ice water. A breath of fresh air. A healthy bowel movement. A beautiful dream.

In today’s world, there's not much free stuff. And now, there will be even less free stuff.

Starting Monday, you will be charged for your dreams. DreamStream, the company that provides all your subconscious entertainment, is raising the price of your dreams to $44.99 per month (after a 7-day free trial). “Look on the bright side. It’s cheaper than a gallon of gas,” explained DreamStream CEO Bull Champion, “and your monthly subscription allows for unlimited dreams. And nightmares.”

“This is my innermost sanctum,” complained dreamer Jenna Smith, “It’s my only happy place, and it’s a basic right.”

“It’s not a right. It’s a product,” said Mr. Champion. “Dream on.”

 “You can’t charge us for something that’s inherently free,” protested neuroscientist Erika Farnsworth.  Erika was sued by DreamStream for libel and slander, stripped of her degree, and never seen again.

Starting next week, you will also be charged for masturbating. WhackTube, the company that provides your orgasms, is offering a $79.99 monthly subscription (up to 3 climaxes per day).

CoughWorks will now bill you $3.99 every time you cough, and $12.99 every time you sneeze. You will be debited $1.99 every time you swallow food. A lungful of air will now cost 39¢. And there will also be a 38¢ exhale fee. And pooping is now a privilege that will cost you only $9.99 per dump.

Stocks surged on the good news that basic bodily functions are now commodities.

“And don’t try to cut corners by sneaking off and dying”, chuckled trillionaire Smoot Lovejoy, “we’ll track you down and charge you in the afterlife.”

There’s still one thing that’s free: Nothing. With a side of emptiness. For now.