Daylight Savings Time. That charming American tradition where everyone must adjust their clocks, or be left behind in a twilight zone of tardiness. Today we all must turn our clocks forward one hour* to adjust for Daylight Savings Time.

Why do we do this? This extra hour of daylight helps farmers, and saves energy. But it’s a silly nuisance for the rest of us. As a result, Congress has decided to implement a series of new time switches that will make life more convenient for Jessica, and a few other Americans who need some more time.

On April 11, Jessica Savings Time will go into effect. All Americans will turn their clocks back 87 minutes, so Jessica can finish packing her suitcase, put on her makeup, get her hair just right, grab a latte and still make it to the airport without missing her flight.

On May 20, Americans will again have to turn their clocks back 3 hours and 45 minutes, so Bob can take an extra long shower, smoke a joint and look at some porn, and still make it to work on time.

“This is turning my life upside down!” complained punctual Paul Preston. “Why should I keep changing my clock to accommodate a bunch of slackers and douche bags?”

On June 7, Britney Saving Time goes into effect. 331 million Americans will once again turn their clocks back half a day, so Britney can sleep in after a night of tequila bombers and oyster shooters.

And on August 5, Jared Savings Time will require all Americans to move their clocks forward 11.5 minutes, so Jared can win that auction on Ebay, and then buy up all the lemon scones at Trader Joe's before anyone else gets there.

“Time is obsolete,” explained Minister of Time Howard Borkshot. “Freedom from time is the wave of the future.”

On Labor Day, don’t forget to turn your clock back a century, so we can do away with interracial marriage, birth control, Social Security and Medicare.

* Daylight Savings Time applies to all of the United States, except for Arizona, Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, The Northern Mariana Islands, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands.