Wrappers. Diapers. Tires. Flyers. Bottles. Boxes. From horizon to horizon, it’s a landfill built on a landfill.

Welcome to the Republic of Unsustainia, the nation where unsustainability is a time-honored tradition. Daylight lasts only an hour, because the garbage peaks are so high. “My trash pile is bigger than my neighbor’s trash pile,” bragged teen grandmother Bloatilda Slothman.

“Buy it. Use it. Dump it. Repeat.” is the Unsustainian national anthem, (and a good dance tune). It’s branded on all currency, plastic bags, coffee cups, soda cans, wine bottles, foreheads and butt cheeks.

Anyone caught recycling gets "recycled".

 “Put solar panels on your roof, and I’ll eat you for dinner, and throw the bones in the backyard,” hollered Bruce Blubberhorn, Unsustainian hyper-patriot.

The Ministry of Trash plans to tear itself down and throw itself away again this week. The 30-story Ministry building is made entirely of Styrofoam, redwood, ivory and moose-hide. Every 7 days, the Ministry disposes of and replaces itself with an exact replica, in accordance with strict Unsustainian law.

“We got enough for today,” proclaimed Minister of Trash Hank Guttburger, “tomorrow is someone else’s problem.”

Unsustainia plans to run out of everything (including air) in less than three weeks. In order to survive, Unsustainia will go to war with its enemy, Bigboxia, so it can continue its mighty, meaty lifestyle.

Bigboxia is one vast, enclosed air-conditioned nation from border to border*. Unsustainia plans to invade its neighbor and gobble its goods. “We’ll be able to feed our citizens with precious Bigboxian resources once we win the war”, explained Unsustainia’s Minister of Plunder. The fruits of victory should last almost a week.

Bigboxia and Unsustainia plan to fight a long and glorious war, which will destroy all resources for everyone.

So stockpile your trash. It might make a good soup if you’re in a pinch.

* The nation of Bigboxia is 20 Connecticuts long by 30 Connecticuts wide

  Anti News ©2023 Chris Hume