The Kingdom of Heaven will be demolished next Wednesday to make way for a sprawling gated condominium complex. God, the owner of Heaven, wrote a strongly worded letter protesting the decision. But the court ruled against Him, giving developers fast track permits to clear out Heaven and begin construction.

The sprawling community, named “Heavenly Heights” will boast 5,000 family units, 20 golf courses, 300 swimming pools, 700 pickleball courts, a Nascar track, a game-hunting reserve, 50 hog farms, 100 churches, a Biblical theme park and a maximum security prison campus.

“It will be a heavenly place to raise your children,” beamed Clarence Gutworth, president of Greenflower Developers. “We’ll build an earthly paradise upon the ruins of Heaven.”

The current residents of Heaven are flabbergasted. “What the hell?” exclaimed an outraged soul. “We prayed and toiled all our lives to get here, with the promise of eternal bliss. Now we’re being booted out for a housing tract?”

“The good people of Heaven will be duly compensated,” explained Mr. Gutworth. Displaced souls will receive discount vouchers for a pitcher of diet Pepsi and a slice of pizza from Domino's.

But God’s Kingdom is not being completely gutted. Architects will be leaving the iconic "Pearly Gates" standing at the front entrance to Heavenly Heights. “It’s a ready-made gate," gloated Mr. Gutworth. Security cameras, sniper towers and guard booths will be added to ensure the residents' safety.

And so, the old clouds and angels and divine majesty will be bulldozed in a few days to make way for improvement. Properties in Heavenly Heights start in the low to mid $800,000’s. So grab a piece of Heaven while you can!


  Anti News ¬©2023 Chris Hume¬†