Crime is down. The economy is up. Cancer is down. Adult literacy is up. Teen pregnancies are down.

And Republicans are peeing their pants in pure panic.

“How did it come to this? This is a calamity, a cataclysmic catastrophe!” complained a confident conservative, “all this upbeat crap will ruin the republic!”

A bipartisan deal was set to resolve the simmering border crisis. But Republicans proudly killed it in the cradle. “America has to stay shitty,” explained GOP pundit Thud Blisterman, “if we solve any problems now, we’ll never get back into power.”

The border deal collapsed, and Republicans rejoiced. "We must destroy America to save America!" proclaimed Senator Hank Liverlip, “so our God-appointed dear leader can return to Washington in a solid gold battle tank.”

“I tell you what,” drawled Texas Congressman Hoot Bloodwater, ”just flood the streets with orphans, fill the cities with rapists and aliens, let gas prices skyrocket and shut down the hospitals. All we have to do is wait, and victory is ours!"

“I have sepsis, syphilis and gout,” wheezed a bloated, bankrupt Republican. “But I will die a glorious and painful death, so we can win!"

He died. And they won. And the GOP inherited a garbage-choked, orphan-strewn wasteland.

When asked how they would fix the country, Republicans shrugged their shoulders. “Why would we do that? We’re in power now.”