Food and sex: The two primal forces that drive the human race. Almost everyone has an appetite for a good meal and a good lay. And while food and sex are equally tempting, the consequences of consuming one or the other are drastically and frightfully different.
Indulge in that slice of pizza or that scoop of ice cream, and you add some calories, maybe some cavities. Indulge in that alluring person, and you get a disease, a divorce and possibly jail time.
But what if we reversed those consequences?
Last week, the controversial Chew and Screw Act, passed by Congress, went into effect.
By rule of law, America has officially switched the outcomes of its food and sex drives. The act of eating is now a dangerous taboo, while the act of fucking is just part of our daily nutritional intake.
Hot love is now readily available in supermarkets, restaurants and convenience stores. But a hot meal can only be found in back alleys, kinky and illicit "food clubs", and the dark web.
In order to maintain proper social status, men and women are now required to "marry" the food of their choice, and remain committed to that dish until death do they part. "I love peanut butter cheesecake," said avid foodie Chuck McBride, "I guess I'm tying the peanut butter cheesecake knot for the next 40 to 50 years."
Alice Farnsworth married lentil soup. Devin Batemen married sausage and pepper pizza. But Sandy Rothman married tuna salad and got bored, and was caught sneaking the occasional jelly donut on the side.
Sandy was charged with the sin of foodultery. She lost her job. She was disowned by her family. And she was banished forever from society.
Meanwhile, blowjobs are on aisle 4, sodomy is on aisle 9, and light bondage can be found at the checkout counter next to the vibrators and glitter-thongs.
"I'm getting sick of this Chew and Screw Act," said a culinarily frustrated Adam Jackson. "Sure, I get laid three times a day. But fried eggs for life? I want a divorce."
