It's an astonishing discovery that could shake the very foundations of Christianity. Jesus Christ didn't die on the cross at all, according to a well respected consortium of scientists and theologists. After years of intensive research, they have announced their findings: The Son of God Almighty actually choked to death on a piece of toast.
The revelation has sent shockwaves throughout the Christian World. "Our Lord choked on a piece of toast for our sins? This changes everything", said pastor Mason Tibbetts of Megalife Church Inc. "I saw it in a vision last night" said Bishop Antonio Schmaltz of Chattanooga. "Jesus himself appeared over me, clutching his throat with one hand, a piece of half eaten toast in the other."
The earth-shattering evidence of death-by-toast may be the death-knell for the beloved 2,000 year old Crucifix. The Cardinals gathered for an emergency session at the Vatican to discuss the re-branding of one of the most familiar and popular icons in history. Once the Pope gives final approval, crosses the world over will officially be replaced by toast.
"It's worse than if McDonald's got rid of its Arches, or if Starbucks dumped its Naked Green Mermaid", said weepy Christian housewife Candy McGruffin. "I'm going to have to re-decorate my whole house now!" Giant sculptures of toast already adorn church steeples across the American heartland. And many of the faithful are now wearing necklaces with little pieces of dangling toast. And Holy Cross College at Notre Dame, Indiana has officially changed its name to Holy Toast College.
But as soon as experts authenticated the Lord's toasty demise, a new team of archaeologists has unearthed startling new evidence that Christ may have actually been eaten by a giant hippopotamus. This has split Christianity into separate factions. The 'toasters' claim to be the true believers of the Almighty. Their rivals, the 'hippophiles', believe they are the chosen ones, adorning themselves with hippo necklaces and tattoos, and erecting giant hippopotamus heads atop their churches.
"The Lord was eaten by a hippo for my sins!!" shouted an angry hippophile to a mob of hostile toasters at a prayer breakfast yesterday morning. "Death to the hippophiles! Toasters rule!", they screamed back, attacking them with giant pieces of wooden toast. The ensuing melee resulted in several arrests, a bunch of overturned vehicles and numerous hippophiles and toasters sent to the hospital.
And if it couldn't get worse, a third group of specialists declared that Jesus may have been hanged rather than crucified on that holy day of infamy. The new findings have thrown the whole 'what-symbol-to-wear' concept into a tailspin. The latest Christian splinter group, the 'hangers' claim to be the most 'absolute and pure' followers of Christ. They assert their faith by wearing nooses around their necks, and erecting massive gallows-like structures atop their churches.
All this confusion was enough to bring Jesus back to Earth, on an emergency visit, to settle the matter once and for all. The trumpets sounded, the sky opened up, and Jesus Christ Himself descended on a golden feathered cloud, flanked by a security detail of archangels. "Listen up, my flock", He said, as a heavenly choir backed him up, "I have the answer. And the answer is: THUD!!!" - and he was hit by a bus.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume