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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 95:

MATH IS JUST A THEORY
ACCORDING TO MAGICAL THINKERS

 

 
 

A new scandal has rocked the Stinking Springs School District. This semester, one of the professors will be teaching children the controversial theory known as Math. This has elicited an outcry from Magical Thinkers everywhere, and who have descended upon this small town to express their outrage.

"This whole math theory is nothing but toxic hogwash!!" exclaimed furious magical thinker Jolene Bibbit. "I will never subject my eight or nine kids to math!"

Many are linking the practice of math to the Devil. "Using numbers to make other numbers is witchcraft!", said anti-math zealot Bill Horksmith. "Our children are so young and impressionable. Math will kill them!"

Crowds gathered around Stinking Springs High School with protest signs, chanting: "Math is a Hoax!", "Magic is the Truth!" and "Numbers Don't Add Up!"

But some magical thinkers just want a balanced curriculum. "It's only fair," said magical thinker Reginald Snook, "if you're going to have a course that teaches math, you should also have a course that teaches the opposing point of view."

Stinking Springs High School math teacher Howard Duff is perplexed. "How can you refute math? Everything always adds up, or subtracts, or multiplies, or divides. There's no way around it. That's the beauty of math." But he only received howls of laughter from the growing ranks of Magical Thinkers. "I'll subtract your smart ass right out of this town!" declared magical thinker Hoot McDangle.

"Sure, two plus two equals four," said Lucas Drover. "But that's just an opinion based on 'facts'. Our side needs a voice, too: The number four can only be reached by magic. Amen!"

And so, Stinking Springs High School will be offering several new courses this fall: Magical Thinking 101, Delusional Obsessions 202, and Fanatical Belief 303. "We are proud to offer such a rounded education", said Principal Stanley Puffer. Principal Puffer currently balances his checkbook using magic.

Indeed, the study of math is way down at Stinking Springs High School, as it is across the country. Math has lost its appeal, due to its logic and reality-based format. The result: a bumper crop of new kids ready to take on the world with magical thinking!

"I hope to become a Magical Thinking Engineer!" said excited sophomore Ted Twiller. Ted hopes one day to get a master's degree, and build a suspension bridge, or maybe a skyscraper, based on prayer and magic.

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

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