A new scandal has rocked the Stinking Springs School District. This semester, one of the professors will be teaching children the controversial theory known as Math. This caused an outcry from Magical Thinkers everywhere, who have descended upon this small town to express their fury.

"This whole math theory is nothing but toxic hogwash!!" exclaimed magical thinker Jolene Bibbit. "I will never subject my eight or nine kids to math!"

Many are linking the practice of math to the Devil. "Using numbers to make other numbers is witchcraft!", said anti-math zealot Bill Horksmith. "Our children are so young and impressionable. Math will kill them."

Crowds gathered around Stinking Springs High School with protest signs that read: "Math is a Fake Hoxe!", "Magic is the Trooth!" and "Numbers Dont Add Up!"

But some magical thinkers just want a balanced curriculum. "It's only fair," explained Reginald Snook, "if you're going to have a course that teaches math, you should also have a course that teaches the opposing viewpoint."

Stinking Springs math teacher Howard Duff is perplexed. "How can you refute math? Everything always adds up, or subtracts, or multiplies, or divides. That's the beauty of math." But he only received howls of laughter. "I'll subtract your smart ass right out of town!" hollered magical thinker Hoot McDangle.

"Sure, two plus two equals four," said Lucas Drover. "But that's just an opinion based on 'facts'. Our side needs a voice, too: The number four can only be reached by magic. Amen!"

And so, Stinking Springs High School will be offering several new alternative courses this fall: Magical Thinking 101, Delusional Obsessions 202, and Fanatical Belief 303. "We are proud to offer such a rounded education", said Principal Walter Puffer. Principal Puffer currently balances his checkbook using magic.

Indeed, the study of math is way down at Stinking Springs High School, as it is across the country. Math has lost its appeal, due to its logic and reality-based format. The result: a bumper crop of young magical thinkers.

"I hope to become an engineer!" said excited sophomore Ted Twiller. Ted hopes one day to get a master's degree, and build a suspension bridge, or maybe a skyscraper using prayer and magic.

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume