It’s time to celebrate! No more homeless!

The Freedom From Homelessness Act, unanimously passed by the Senate, makes
it a crime to be homeless. Now the streets are clean. “America now has no more homeless people!” cheered the president from one of his golf courses.

His approval rating skyrocketed on the good news.

“These homeless people have been whining about their so-called plight for years,” explained Secretary of Poverty Blount Huffman, “but now that we've revoked their homeless status, they won't just be homless, they will be 'homeless-less'.”

“Homeless-lessness is next to Godliness-ness,” proclaimed Senator Braxton Bullgrass.

But homeless advocate Charlene Bowman was not pleased:

“Being homeless is no longer the bottom of the economic ladder,” she said. “Now it’s merely a perch from which to fall, even further, into invisible depths so as to not be a nuisance to the rich.”

But the rich pushed back:

“Stop mollycoddling the downtrodden,” complained trillionaire Chip Hootsdale Jr. from his yacht in Montenegro. “If you don’t have a homeless permit*, and you get caught sleeping under a bridge, drinking out of the gutter, or begging for loose change, we’ll find you, and we'll vanish you.”

But where exactly are the homeless-less going? No one knows. The government no longer keeps records or statistics on homeless-lessness in order to protect the “screaming eagle of freedom.”

“Being homeless isn’t a right, it’s a privilege,” explained Senator Bullgrass, “You want to be homeless? Get a job!"

* Homeless permits will be issued to eligible customers, starting at $4500 per month.